Friday, July 29, 2011

Super Silly Speculation About Super Secret Memoir

This week, publisher Little, Brown announced a super-secret non-fiction release about "one of the most controversial people of our time." Booksellers have a strict embargo until the book's publication date on November 14th. Speculation is that the person in question is Bernie Madoff. Or is it……

Here are a few other "rumored" candidates:

1. Kim Jong-Il

Fresh off shooting 38 under par in his first golf outing, Kim Il Jong sat down and completed this 1200 page memoir while watching Game of Thrones and learning to speak Icelandic--all in the same afternoon. It would have only taken about 30 minutes, but a surprise attack by 17 bears kept him busy. Immediately after finishing the manuscript, he had to write an additional 400 pages about his exploits that occurred in the time it took his agent to negotiate a 19 billion dollar advance with every Big Six publisher. Early reviews from the North Korean press have been positive; one critic said it "makes the Big Bang look like a raccoon's carcass."

2. Dobby the House Elf

Beloved by a psychotic few, reviled by thinking people everywhere, Harry Potter's noblest and most irritating character tells the world what it's like to be a terribly rendered character. Shedding his trademark third person, Dobby recounts his exploits in the bizarre and hedonistic world of CGI celebrities. Which Pixar female character has a heroin problem? On what Caribbean island is Jar Jar Binks hiding from public scorn? And which Avatar pixel pixie never leaves his side? Not since Who Framed Roger Rabbit have Hollywood's animated A-listers been so nervous.

3. Donald Trump's Barber/Sculptor

Hailed in cosmetology circles as the "Houdini of Hair," the Donald's stylist lives a life of solitude and secrecy. Rumors have swirled for decades that this mysterious follicular maestro made his bones touring as in-house quaff-manager for 1980s hair-champions, Poison. Long gagged by a prodigious annual hush payment, he finally has decided that the truth, as shocking and disturbing as it might be, must finally come out. Also, he is super bored.

4. The Executive Who Keeps Giving Jennifer Aniston Leading Roles

Little is known about this shrouded figure, but someone keeps giving Aniston parts. In this tell-all confession, Exec X as she is known explains in stunning and revealing detail the economics of Hollywood mediocrity. Do these movies make money? Where? How? Who exactly gave The Bounty Hunter the green light? or Rumor Has It? Does Aniston have some sort of sordid blackmail material? These questions and others (like where David Schwimmer is right now) will be asked and answered.

1 comment:

  1. I especially like #4.  Aniston is best in Friends reruns that make me nostalgically pause just slightly longer than Seinfeld reruns.  If only Donald Trump's barber could trim Trump's ego...